“Part of learning boundaries is also learning to discern what your “yes” is. What will you allow into your system? What is good for you? What do you long for? Permission is the practice of learning to feel okay with yourself as you are.”
This week we are moving from what it is to have an embodied “no,” to ask what it is to have an embodied “yes.” Yes feels way harder for me to access than no. The workbook starts with simple questions, as always, easing me in. Is it easier to drink or to eat? Is it easier to move or be still?What have I given greater permission for.
But sex isn’t like that, a this or that option.
I start unearthing little bits of how yes feels to me but I still feel blank when I ask myself, “What is something that I have a strong yes to in my erotic life?”
I remember a lover once pulling out a lovely huge bag of toys and asking me what I liked. I had this same blank feeling. “I don’t know.” I really wanted to know. In that moment there was a generous person who was ready and willing and well equipped to try giving me whatever I wanted. And what I wanted? To run the fuck away because I didn’t know. Didn’t even really know where to start.
I’ve looked for my erotic yeses before. Done porn research, been to sex parties and clubs and really looked around curiously hoping to find what would spark in me.
“Many people, when asked to give themselves permission for something they have been withholding, feel fear. What will happen if I let go of the control I am exerting over myself?… What is the critic who wields shame taking care of? Something important, no doubt.”
Maybe my yes blockage is more basic than what I want when doing sex. Maybe it’s more like, do I say yes to sex. Do I say yes to being an erotic creature, now, as I am? I start thinking that maybe I have been afraid to give up control, to want or need sex. Am I ready to sacrifice control? To experience desire? “Freedom requires sacrifice of the safety that maintains the status quo” Pavini tells us. “Permission is to surrender to your purpose.”
I want to surrender to my purpose.
But I’m also scared of finding out what my purpose is. What if I don’t have an erotic purpose?
I’m scared that I will learn that I don’t want to have sex if I listen too deeply. Or something else awful like that I’m not as gay as I thought and just want to have boring straight sex. Which feels a bit ridiculous cause been there done that and quite clear on my non-satisfaction. Still, I see the panic. It’s there. I try to permit it.
“It becomes easier to give yourself permission to want what you want, feel what you feel, be what you are, when you investigate the WHY you have not been giving yourself permission. The attitude to cultivate here is curiosity, not blame.”
Why can’t I give myself permission to be an erotic creature right now? What is that withholding guarding? I’m sure it’s trying to help me but I don’t know why yet. Before I can know what I want, I have to let myself be a wanting creature. To long for what I can’t give myself alone. Which is scary as a very independent person who often had to take care of myself.
For now, I just have to sit with the question and try to release the frustration and annoyance so I can stay with curiosity. Ugh. This work is work.
“And you must also know that to give yourself this permission almost always requires a sacrifice of how your life has been before.”