Today I want to introduce you to three common intimacy profiles, based on attachment style.
Does one of these sound like someone you know?
I share these in service of you understanding more about yourself in relationship.
Disclosure: These are composite stories and common traits from hundreds of clients I’ve worked with in private practice.
Intimacy Profile #1: Avoidant
Mina longs for a loving long term relationship. However, every time she gets near a committed partnership, she finds some reason to end the relationship. For a long time, she’s told herself that she just hasn’t met the right person, but after a number of failed relationships, she’s starting to think that she might be the common denominator.
She loves being physically intimate with others, but keeps her emotions compartmentalized. When things get too emotional, she finds himself asking for “space” or needing to take time. She works a ton, and uses work as a way to manage what she is available for socially. Mina is very independent, and does a lot of things on her own.
She rarely fights with partners, preferring to avoid conflict. She’ll mostly go along with what a partner wants, until she won’t, and then she leaves. Mina is self-sufficient, and has a hard time leaning in to receive support. She is always going to pick up her own shirts at the cleaners, for example.
Trait: Guards heart and keeps it on the surface, while wishing for depth.
Quote: “I need some me time.”
Intimacy Profile #2: Pursuing
Jas has constantly been in relationships since the age of 17. They love love, and feel best when they have an adoring partner.
However, even with a partner who clearly loves them, Jas often feels insecure. They worry about the relationship, and if their partner accepts all of them, loves all of them. They try hard to be who they think their partner wants them to be.
Jas has often heard the feedback that they are too clingy and needy, which pushes people away.
Jas frequently will bring up issues with partners, doesn’t avoid conflict, and is often emotionally activated.
Trait: a lack of independence, lots of insecurities and a deep desire to be close to a partner. Often worries about rejection and abandonment.
Quote: “I’m gonna love them and squeeze them and kiss them all over!”
Intimacy Profile #3: Hot and Cold
While Tal can go deep into intimacy, can open his heart and connect in a big way, he often feels ambivalent about being in partnership. He has had a long term partner who he deeply cares about.
In his relationship, he feels very committed, but has a hard time expressing joy. Tal struggles to feel settled. He worries about what he is giving up in order to be in his relationship. He doesn’t know if he can stay for the long-term.
Sometimes he is super affectionate with his partner, and at other times, closeness feels like too much. This is confusing to his partner, who doesn’t understand why sometimes Tal is so warm and welcoming, and sometimes so distant and cold.
Tal struggles to have needs, and to say what his needs are. He is very focused on her partner’s needs.
Trait: Feeling on the fence about the relationship
Quote: “I love you so much… sometimes.”
The thing about these profiles is…you have parts of all of these inside of you.
Add to that the combination of intimacy profiles, when you are in relationship, and there is just So Much Stuff!
Secure relationships recognize the intimacy styles of partners, and work with them, rather than against them.
Questions to ask yourself:
Here are some questions that can help you start to think about your attachment styles:
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- Are you kind to yourself and positive to others?
- Do you think of yourself as very independent?
- Do you worry about being alone?
- Do you find it challenging to be vulnerable or open up to others?
If you are struggling with secure attachment in long-term partnership and you already know you need tools and support for a more harmonious relationship, let’s talk.
Fill out this form to let me know a little more about what’s going on, and I’ll be in touch to set up a time to check in about working together privately.
I am an entrepreneur, somatic sex educator, and activist on a mission to help others get free in their bodies. I founded Wellcelium with the goal of bringing world-class teachers of sexuality, embodiment and intimacy together, to create a world that is relationally and erotically well. Read more.
