I’ve been married twice: the first time, not so good. My second (and current) marriage is phenomenal! In my first marriage, the frequency of sex slowed down to a trickle. The saddest part: we never talked about it. Neither of us was fulfilled or happy.
I remember hearing my friends talk about sex in their relationships, and being reallllly quiet.
After that marriage ended, I swore I would never again have sex be something that was hidden in the shadows. I committed to engaging upfront, and honestly, about needs, desires, likes and dislikes with all partners!
Learning to do this was a journey, with a lot of trial and error. It took awhile and a lot of work and therapy, but now, Ari and I talk about sex all.the.time. Discussing “sex” is a standing agenda item in our weekly meeting! It’s a source of deep and vulnerable connection for both of us.
And it means that we have to be really honest with each other, and sometimes say the hard truths. It’s okay, because we’ve built a foundation and a skillset to be able to do this.
With the amount of stigma, shame, and judgement around sex in the outside world, it’s no surprise that this effects the way we talk about and do sex in relationship. Hangups, defenses, unhealthy thought patterns, and all kinds of un-sexy things find their way into our beds. Time for spring cleaning! And what a better way to liven up our sex than to stretch our tongue muscles and talk about it.
We are entering into our third year of this pandemic, with a whole lot of feelings about, well, everything. Maybe you’ve been spending way too much time with your partner and are having trouble desiring them as the delicious human they are. You may be feeling disconnected during sex, it might feel boring or formulaic, or maybe you and your partner are low-sex or no-sex. Maybe you really need some space before you can feel more available for MORE connection. Perhaps you are dating a new partner and want to brush up on your sex-talk skills as you build your connection.
The first thing to do is breathe, and know that all of these seasons of experience are normal. Personal needs, relationship needs, and sexual needs all fluctuate over the course of a relationship and throughout our lives. Learning how to talk about them can help air out concerns and create shared goals.
What do you want to talk about? Write it down- reflect- what do you like, what do you not like, areas for improvement or creative ideas. Each partner can write and you can share– helps to have some direction in the conversation.