By Rebecca E. Blanton

Growing up, you probably received mixed messages about your sexuality. While sex and sexuality infuse images in the media, our own sexuality is frequently framed as something dirty and shameful. This leaves you with two competing messages: you should be sexual, and you should be ashamed of being sexual.

Dr. Brene′ Brown explains shame “is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love or belonging.” These feelings of shame moderate how you interact with the world and how you talk to yourself.

What are the Signs of Sexual Shame?

Sexual shame manifests in many forms. Shame may present as feeling upset, feeling angry, wanting to disappear, and being highly self-critical. Asking yourself a few questions can help identify feelings of sexual shame.

Do I feel embarrassed when my partner compliments my body?

Do I feel embarrassed by my sexual desires?

Do I feel bad about myself when I want to have sex?

Do I tell myself I am not attractive enough to be sexually desirable to others?

What Parts of the Brain Feed Shame?

Shame activates parts of the brain in the frontal cortex associated with memory and higher cognitive processing. The amygdala, a deeper part of the brain associated with the limbic system, is also triggered when feelings of shame arise.

Shame is often learned during childhood. Your parents shamed you for actions like masturbation, getting caught kissing, or asking about sex. As an adult, when you enter sexual situations, your memories of how you felt as a child and the shame you associate with sex are then activated in your brain.

Shame also activates the amygdala. This is the small, almond-shaped structure in the brain which helps control the flight, fight, freeze, and fawn responses which kept us alive when we were living in groups on the savannah (often called our “monkey brain”). When we feel shame, this part of the brain sends you messages that you need to do something to survive the situation. When it comes to sexual shame, the innate survival responses are often flight or fawn. You either want to run away from the embarrassment or you overcompensate by flattering, flirting and having sex with someone to satisfy your monkey brain’s fear response.

How Do You Get Over Something You are Ashamed of?

So much of your shame stems from a lifetime of being told, and later telling yourself, you are bad or unworthy of care and love. It is not a simple “fix” to rid yourself of sexual shame. With time and practice you can overcome and heal sexual shame.

  • Recognize and address the shame.
    Shame makes you want to be quiet and hide away. When you refuse to address shame directly, it gains power in your life. To move on from sexual shame, you need to name it and address it. Talk about it aloud with a friend, therapist or write about it in a journal. Get it out of your head to help take away shame’s power.

  • Untangling Helpful and Unhelpful Messages
    You are probably accustomed to telling yourself things such as, “I am too ugly to have sex,” or “The type of sex I want is dirty and bad.” These are messages you received from important people in your life when you were younger. Your brain learned them and now is playing them on repeat. To address sexual shame, you need to untangle these messages from your sexual desires.When feelings of shame arise, observe the messages you are getting from your brain. You can then learn to halt these messages and replace them with healthy messages about sex.

  • Practice Mindfulness.
    Shame may start in your brain, but it then travels to your body. When you start to feel shame, take a moment to reconnect with your body. Breathe slowly and check in with your body. Are their areas where you are feeling tight or stressed? Are there areas of physical pain?Breathing, slowing down your thoughts, and connecting with your body will help you address feelings of shame with a clearer head.
Suggested Practice

How Do You Move on From Shame and Embarrassment?

If you experience sexual shame, moving on from it may seem like an insurmountable task! The good news is, there are practices to help you move through and then on from sexual shame.

Change the Way You Talk to Yourself
Once you recognize the messages you give yourself about sex and desire, you need to start rewriting the scripts. Check out these 27 Positive Affirmations for Sexual Confidence to help you create positive ways to talk to yourself about your sexuality.

Learn to be Vulnerable- with Yourself
Shame gives you the overwhelming desire to ignore what makes you feel ashamed. Practice acknowledging these feelings and how you want to respond. Be honest with yourself about your desires and needs.

Spend More Time Naked
Sexual shame makes you embarrassed about your own body. To combat this feeling, spend more time naked with yourself. Take a long bath or shower. Lie between clean sheets totally naked. Take time to touch your own body and get comfortable with it.

Further Resources

Hutchinson, Krystina and Corinne Fisher. F*cked: Being Sexually Explorative and Self-Confident in a World That is Screwed.

This book is a great guide for people of all genders who are tired of the double standards and stigma around healthy sexuality.

Taylor, Sonia Renee. The Body is Not an Apology. 2nd edition.

This book, and its accompanying workbook, is for anyone who has felt shame about their own body. Taylor guides the reader through exercises to discover the source of their sexual shame and then walks you through how to heal.

Rebecca Blanton, Guest Blogger

Rebecca Blanton (aka Auntie Vice) is a writer and performer. Her work focuses on kink, adult sexuality, and gender. She performs as a storyteller and stand-up comic. She holds a Ph.D. in Political Psychology.

Blog: LoveLettersToAUnicorn.com
Website: AuntieVice.com

Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, and TikTok @AuntieVice

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