By Rebecca E. Blanton
Think back to playing games as a kid. You and your friends made up the goals, the rules, and then played for hours forgetting about the rest of the world. You probably felt free. You most likely were totally present in the moment. The play time and your friends were the only things you cared about at the time. When you got home you were probably happy, tired, and maybe hungry.
Why am I bringing up childhood play on a blog about sex and relationships? Its because re-learning to play when it comes to sex and intimacy can allow you to connect deeply with both yourself and your partner. It gives you a chance to change the rules. When you play during sex and intimacy you have more freedom and less stress. Many of the pressures of formalized sex and intimacy can be reduced by incorporating play in your relationship.
The Connection of Play and Mindfulness
Many sex and relationship blogs focus on mindfulness practices (including this one). Mindfulness is about being present and connected. However, trying to use mindfulness practices may feel daunting or too formal for you. Play can integrate these practices in a fun way.
Play demands you pay attention and improvise. You cannot be making a list of to-dos, worrying about your job, or figuring out who to get to babysit, and engage in play successfully. Play, especially play which has not been scripted, requires attention and improvisation.
Introducing playfulness into your sex and intimacy also takes the pressure off the situation. If you find yourself worried about how you are performing, if your partner is enjoying themselves, if your body is acceptable or any myriad of issues, getting out of your head is critical to good sex. Playfulness encourages being present and having fun.
What Does Play in Sex and Intimacy Look Like
You may be picturing engaging in an elaborate role play as “play” in sex and intimacy. Role play is always an option, but not the only form of play.
Sex and intimate play can involve:
- Role play
- Power Exchange/ Dominance and submission
- Bondage (being tied up/tying up someone)
- Playful talking or joking
- Turning a scripted game into something sexy (think Strip Battleship)
How Do I Introduce Play into My Intimate Relationships?
Like everything about your sex and intimate life, play works best when it is specific to the needs and desires of you and your partner. Have a conversation with your partner and ask the following questions:
- What was your favorite game as a child?
- What do we do together as a couple that brings you joy?
- Do you have a desire to explore power exchange/role play/bondage?
- How would you like to integrate more playfulness into our intimate interactions?
These questions will help guide you toward the types of play which will work best for you. Remember that it is healthy to laugh during sex and intimate moments. It can be very bonding to play, touch each other, and make orgasm a low priority.
Recommended Resource
Sex as Improv and Creative Play, by Karen B.K. Chan and Carl Frankel, a chapter by from the book, Secrets of the Sex Masters, co-written and edited by Carl Frankel.
Rebecca Blanton, Guest Blogger
Rebecca Blanton (aka Auntie Vice) is a writer and performer. Her work focuses on kink, adult sexuality, and gender. She performs as a storyteller and stand-up comic. She holds a Ph.D. in Political Psychology.
Blog: LoveLettersToAUnicorn.com
Website: AuntieVice.com
Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, and TikTok @AuntieVice
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