Explore What Is Attraction

*Each blog post is interactive and includes a free playsheet to download at the end.

What makes your attraction system tick?

Human Attraction Psychology

Have you ever met someone and felt a palpable and intense really fast attraction to them, even though it made no sense? Or on the flip side, have you ever had a date with someone that checked all the boxes on paper, but IRL the connection felt lack-luster?

What is attraction?

Attraction often seems mysterious. Why are you attracted to one person over another, when all other factors are equal? Can attraction build over time? And perhaps the most important question: what degree of attraction do you need for a successful romantic relationship?

You might meet someone and feel intensely attracted to them, only to find that you are not very compatible together long term. Or you might find a person with whom you are very compatible, and not feel a spark of attraction and desire towards them.

Most of us don’t stop to ask ourselves why we are attracted to a particular person, so let’s tease some of it apart.

What Determines Attraction

When seeking a partner, most people are most attracted to some combination of three factors:

• Status / access to resources
• Warmth / friendliness / kindness
• Physical attractiveness or sex appeal (which is VERY subjective)

There are other factors that create attraction, and most of these are beyond your conscious awareness. For example, the way a potential lover smells, the symmetry of their features, or the unconscious associations you have with a trait or behavior they possess. While you may not consciously notice these things, they do exert a powerful and fast influence.

Also, you have probably been socialized about what is considered culturally attractive, and while these internalized standards exert a powerful force, they can be tough to see. Usually you just “like what you like” and can’t explain why.

You can be attracted to someone in lots of different ways. Maybe you want to share sexy times, maybe you are attracted to their brain, their talents, their personality. Physical attraction is just one kind of attraction.

One last factor in attraction can be a sense of recognition, or familiarity. Maybe this person reminds you of something or someone pleasurable, aka “having a type.”

Important also to note that you can also be attracted to people that AREN’T the best fit for you. Sometimes this happens because you have unresolved business with someone they unconsciously remind you of. For example, you’ve probably heard the expression “I married my mother.”

Yeah, let’s NOT do that.

How can you work with your attractions?

If you are trying to find long term romantic partner, it can be helpful to have a checklist that helps you assess whether this might be a good fit. A reality check for when you are in the throws of infatuation!

Most people have their ideal list of traits they believe they are looking for in a partner, but this list has almost nothing to do with initial attraction. It can, however, predict long-term compatibility.

What Causes Attraction in Humans

Keep in mind that true compatibility evolves over time, while LACK of compatibility often reveals itself very quickly.

Best advice:

• Know what your ideal traits and qualities are.
• Trust what your body says and follow the emotional and physical attractions you have
• Keep an eye on the situation and make sure that the person you are attracted to matches both your embodied desires and what you’ve decided is good for you in terms of partnership.

Ready to do a little investigation of your attractions? Take the next step and download this playsheet to investigate your attractions! You may be surprised at what you find out.

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