By Dr. Pavini Moray, founder of Wellcelium
*Each blog post is interactive and includes a free playsheet to download.
But I can’t bring my whole self!
If you ask them directly, many people will tell you that they do not bring their whole self to their intimate relationships. And in my sex therapy practice, I do ask them. And I ask them what parts they cannot bring.
They will tell you that they have to hide parts of themselves in order to be loved by their partner, that there are things about them that if anyone knew would be the end. The end typically means that they wouldn’t be loved, wouldn’t fit in, wouldn’t belong. Would be kicked out, alienated, shunned, and die alone.
Things people typically tell me that they cannot share with their intimate partners really are almost never very bad.
- They can’t share the part that is super judgy (heads-up: your partner already knows!)
- They can’t tell their partner what they really want sexually.
- They fantasize about violent things that they don’t really want, but feel quite guilty about.
- They struggle to love some part of their partner.
- They can’t be really vulnerable.
- They can’t tell their partner about something that happened before (or after) they met.
- They long for another kind of sex, another person, another quality of life.
- And they believe, in their heart of hearts, that these things must be hidden in order to maintain relationship status quo.
Which may very well be true.
But the question I then ask is: why do you want to maintain the status quo in a relationship you don’t show up in fully?
This is not a popular question.
Because what it points to is that you don’t bring your full self not because your partner won’t accept them. You have already decided ahead of time that that is true, usually before giving your partner a chance. You don’t bring the entirety of who you are because you are ashamed.
This is also not a very popular sentiment.
There is a song by Storm Large called 8 Miles Wide. The lyrics to the chorus go:
“My vagina is 8 miles wide.
Absolutely everyone can come inside.”
And part of a verse sings, “All my life, I’ve been told, I’m too much, Well, maybe it’s true you’re not enough.”
Storm Large is taking the bullshit thrown at her, and hurling it right back. She is stepping out of shame and into honesty. My guess is that for a long time, Storm also believed that she was too much. And so she tried to make herself smaller to fit while being in relationship with people who may have been grateful for her small-ing strategy.
But there will come a moment when that strategy, the making-yourself-small-to-belong strategy, has higher costs than it has benefits.
What is it, to refuse to deny all of the parts of yourself and your experience?
Like Popeye, you are what you are.
What if all parts of yourself were welcome and invited to your intimacies?
What is it to transform the embodied narratives shame has you construct, into ones that align with all of you? I’m here. I’m messy. I am complicated. I am paradoxical. I fuck up. I am selfish. I am judgmental. I don’t always care about your feelings.
Until the less-pretty-less-packaged parts get acknowledged, they are absolutely driving the bus in the background.
The only antidote to shame I know is vulnerability, being witnessed in your messy, contradictory asshole glory.
I was lying in bed with my partner once, early on in our relating. I was crying and he was holding me. I said “I am a complete mess.” And with all the love and gentle humor in the world, he replied “And you are going to die a mess.”
An accepting partner changes things. And sometimes you have to be your own accepting partner. Sometimes you have to be willing to find a partner who celebrates the part of you that you just can’t find your way to loving, no matter how many self-help books you read.
Questions to ask yourself:
The question becomes, are you really ready to let go of whatever shame is protecting, for the sake of your own erotic wellness?
Are you ready to let all parts of you belong, just as they are?
If so, the magic pill is visibility. Telling everyone. Showing everyone.
Suggested Practice:
Take a 5-Minute Self Compassion Break
If it resonates with you, listen to this gentle 5-minute guided meditation which moves through three components of self-compassion: acknowledging suffering, normalizing the experience, and inviting kindness.
Recommended Resource:
A 6-Step Process for Learning How to Actually Love Yourself by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
