Boundaries are a spectrum.
Often, folks either have impenetrable fortress-like boundaries that are hypervigilant and constantly looking for violation, either real or perceived, or they have mushy, malleable boundaries that react to the needs of others. Your boundaries change depending on who or where or when you are, and in relationship to many different circumstances.
Feeling a sense of dignity, safety, and belonging are our basic human needs. We have all developed various strategies for survival. Sometimes you have traded one of these for another. Your boundary strategies can be outdated or not match the person that you are now, although they may have served you in the past.
Boundaries allow you to feel a sense of dignity and safety in your body.
When you have to choose between dignity and staying alive, you are biologically programmed to stay alive. People often feel shame when boundaries are violated as if they are responsible for that.
When trauma has happens, natural defenses may likely have been punctured without consent. Reestablishing a working relationship with your own boundaries allows you to become more deeply connected with yourself and others. In essence boundaries are the way you tell yourself, “I’ve got me!”
Developing clear boundaries prevents burnout resentment and having to leave a relationship or situation in order to take care of yourself.
Boundaries support you staying in relationship while meeting your need for autonomy. When skillfully used, boundaries increase the possibility of greater intimacy. Boundaries and triggers are not the same we choose our boundaries. We do not choose our triggers.
Suggested Practices:
Exploring Your Current Boundaries
Consider one or two of your most clear boundaries as you read through the next section aloud. Notice if you feel a “no” to any of the following questions, and hold any “no”s with curiosity.
Boundaries are limits. It is an adult boundary if:
- I choose it, and know why.
- I can communicate it verbally, which is most effective.
- I stand up for it, eyeing force consequences if needed.
- I am solely responsible for upholding it. (I don’t depend on others to up-hold it.)
- With it in place, I feel a greater sense of connection with myself.
**Boundaries are not set and forget. They need to be constantly and consistently maintained just like a fence.
When I set a boundary, I expect:
- People will test it.
- It will likely change the relationship dynamic.
- I will get chances to uphold it.
The art of boundaries includes setting boundaries that are firm without being brittle, supple without being mushy, responsive not reactive, and loving but not aggressive. Boundaries are complex. They are highly connected with their needs and our desires.
Recommended Resource:
Navigating Practical Reality by Max Pearl, Transresilience.com
