By Rebecca E. Blanton

How do you feel sexy in your own skin when you live in a world that tells you that you are not enough? It doesn’t matter if you are traditionally beautiful or endowed with child-bearing shoulders (like me), self-confidence and self-love do not come naturally to most of us. We learn to feel shame about our bodies from a young age. This body shame can make it difficult to connect in a relationship.

Body Shame

You are surrounded by images and messages which tell you that you are not beautiful or sexy. You just need to buy this product or that service and then you will start to be sexy! This marketing, coupled with messages that sex and desire are shameful or perverse can drive you inward and make you want to pretend your body doesn’t exist. This shame makes it very difficult to feel sexy in your own skin.

Loss of Sexual Confidence

You have probably been shamed for wanting sex at some point in a relationship. Someone told you that your desires were wrong or immoral. You may have been told you are not sexy or desirable. You may be in a marriage where sex is no longer happening on a regular basis. All of this can lead you to feel less sexually confident.

Luckily, this loss is not permanent! There are ways to help you reconnect with your body and build sexual confidence.

Suggested Practices To Build Sexual Confidence and Undo Body Shame

Step 1: Reconnect with Your Body

The first step to feeling sexy is to get back in touch with your body. The body check-in meditation is a great place to start. This guided meditation will help you focus your concentration on the various body parts to see how they feel.

You may also want to read our blog post on How to Reconnect to Your Body Post-Lockdown for more tips.

Step 2: Pamper Your Skin

If you want to feel sexy in your own skin, it helps to have skin which feels good. Take time to treat your skin to what it needs to be healthy. This may include using lotions made for your skin type. Pay attention to the different types of skin on your body.

Your face will have different needs than your body; your knees and elbows may need a stronger moisturizer than your arms and legs. Touching yourself as you massage in lotions can grow your feeling of sexual confidence and reduce sexual shame.

Step 3: Thank Your Body

You have an internal dialog with yourself about your body. This inner dialog is key to shaping how you feel about yourself.

Take a few minutes before bed, after a shower, or in the morning to thank your body for supporting you. You may want to thank a specific part of you for working for you. Then, compliment yourself. Choose something about you that you find sexy and celebrate it.

Step 4: Take Naked Pictures

If you don’t already feel sexy in your own skin, the idea of being naked on camera might seem overwhelming or silly. I spent a year talking to people of all ages, sizes, genders, and races about their bodies. Universally, people who had naked photos taken of them reported that, upon seeing the pictures, they were finally able to see themselves as sexy or beautiful. For all the women I spoke with, seeing good naked pictures of them was the first major step in rebuilding sexual confidence.

Hire a professional boudoir photographer or get a close friend to help. Take a bunch of different poses. Use different lighting and props. Then, when you are ready, look at the images. You will not like every picture, but there will be a few where you can see yourself as sexy. This can help you feel much sexier in your own skin!

Additional Resources

Shame around your body and sexuality was ingrained early and will take some time to unlearn. Here are a few additional resources for helping you grow confidence about both your body and sexuality.

The Body is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor. This is a book, workbook, and website to help you understand the origins of your body shame and overcome this.

Recipes for Elevation by Ra Sekhi Arts Temple. This book will be your favorite companion in self-care, featuring higher level consciousness “recipes” including raw food cuisine that nourishes the body temple, elixirs that enrich and nurture the mind, and incredible bath and body potions that help you maintain focus and create rituals for a healthier lifestyle.

Rebecca Blanton, Guest Blogger

Rebecca Blanton (aka Auntie Vice) is a writer and performer. Her work focuses on kink, adult sexuality, and gender. She performs as a storyteller and stand-up comic. She holds a Ph.D. in Political Psychology.


Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, and TikTok @AuntieVice

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